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The Edge in The Hat

It's winter in Dublin, so rainy and cold
The career of U2 has been put on hold.
I sit here with Bono, we sit here, we two
And Bono is glad to have nothing to do.

He says, "I'm so tired of that rock-n-roll life.
I'd rather stay home with my kids and my wife."
And I say, "You're right," as I light up a smoke.
"That Zoo TV thing was all a big joke!"
Then Larry speaks up. "I'm tired of my drums.
I'd rather do nothing like the rest of you bums."

We have nothing to do but just sit, sit, sit, sit
And we're starting to like it--we're glad that we quit!

Then something goes CRASH!!!
We yell, "What was that?"
We look and we see him,
The Edge-in-a-Hat!

He says, "It's about time that we get off our butts.
If I don't make some music, I'm going to go nuts!"
I know that it's cold, and I know that it's raining,
But you are in Dublin--why are you complaining?
Larry's bored, Adam's lazy, Bono's being a brat.
Just look at yourselves!" says the Edge-in-a-Hat.

"Remember the Zoo, Bono playing the fool?
Some of that stuff was really quite cool.
Remember MacPhisto, and the Fly with his shades,
Satellites for all of Bono's crusades?
Sure, in the old days we had all the answers,
But look at us now, we've got belly dancers!"

He says, "Inspiration is all that you need.
These two Things that I've brought will inspire you indeed.
I will open this box, you will see something new.
Two supermodels; I call them Thing One and Thing Two."

And out pop these Things.
They say, "How do you do?
Would you like to shake hands
With Thing One and Thing Two?"
And Bono and I do not know what to do,
So we have to shake hands with Thing One and Thing Two.

We shake their hands, but Larry cries, "No!
Those Things should not be in this house, make them go!
They should not be here when Ali is not!
Put them out! Put them out! Put them out on the spot!"

He says, "This has gone just about far enough.
Our fans deserve more than that Melon fluff.
Admit it you guys, you know that I'm right.
We must do some work, if it takes us all night!"

But Thing One and Thing Two have other plans.
"Don't disappoint your two biggest fans!
You know there are better things you can do
Than just work, work, work, work," say Thing One and Thing Two.
"We know lots of good games," say Thing Two and Thing One.
"We'll show you boys how to really have fun!"

"I guess it's all right," Bono says with a smile.
"Ali is going to be gone for a while."

"No, no! Make them leave," we hear Larry shout.
"Those Things should not be here when Ali is out!"

Then Bono cries, "Uh-oh!" as his feet hit the floor.
"I think I hear Ali's key in the door.
Now I'm in trouble," he says, full of dread.
"Quick! Help me hide these Things under the bed!"

It's too late, Ali sees them, but all she can say
Is, "I knew this was bound to happen one day.
It's because you've got too much time on your hands.
You're starting to act like those other bands!
You were so well behaved back when you were unknowns.
Now you're in danger of becoming the Stones!
Those Things have to go, they're just a distraction.
They'll never give you any real satisfaction.
It's time you got yourselves under control
Don't forget what's important--

"By the way, Bono," Ali observes,
"When you're home all the time you get on my nerves.
No more excuses, quit being a jerk.
You and the boys--get back to work!"

Now Bono and I do not know what to do.
Should we sit and be lazy and slowly go crazy?
Or go back to the Zoo and dream up something new?

Well, what would YOU do, if you were U2?
-Kai Nelson

This poem was courtesy of Kai Nelson. If you would like information on how to receive this poem in an animated edition for an incredible $2, please email Kai at:

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